Monday, September 23, 2013

God is SO Good ~ Please Meet Phoenix!

I cannot tell you in words the extent of my emotions in the last few months.
My heart has shattered, partially mended, terrified and pulsing almost out of my chest, and overall just frustrated and exhausted with life and our journey with adoption.

Then, in a matter of seconds...
everything changed.
My heart was totally and completely FULL.
Full of L.O.V.E. 
A deep, unconditional, and effortless love.
No one knows the intensity of this feeling until they have adopted a child.

The fears of the unknown, the worry, the questions, the anxiety from the lack of any control--- somehow immediately disappeared.
For 5 years everything running through my head about adopting was finally at peace.

We had found our son. =)

We held him, looked at each other, and just smiled.
No words needed to be said.
He was ours. Most definitely. Perfect.

Our tears flowed, and we thanked God for guiding us to each other ~
and to our birthmother that wanted nothing but the best for her son despite knowing she was unable to provide it herself. I've never witnessed such selflessness on her part.

She wanted us to have the initial bond with him.
A gift she didn't have to give immediately after birth but she did for us...for me.
I will never forget that.
We will be eternally grateful to her.

We would like to officially introduce Phoenix.
We were blessed with his presence into our lives just 5 weeks ago.

Phoenix is now around 8 lbs. and doing amazing!
He is a calm tempered baby and only fusses when he is hungry or having a diaper change.
He rolled at 6 days old and has already shown us his first smiles!
He is finally enjoying bath time more and loves to snuggle.
*Who wouldn't right? Ahhhhdorable!*

Our daughter is the BEST big sister and helper to her little brother.
She reads him a book and sings him a lullaby EVERY night before bed on her own.

One day can change Everything.
Praise be to God.

Much Love Always,
Bruce & Heather

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


The last couple days I have felt every emotion there is to feel. The roller coaster is unbelievably fast and so far has had many bumps and turns along the way.

 I have felt such excitement that I thought I thought I could puke...
 and that quickly turned into tears of worry and panic
as our dream felt like it was fading out of our reach.

We received a phone call from our agency saying we were a match for a birthmother! 
A perfect match! 
The only catch....
it is more expensive than we were planning on. Agency fees and legal fees are 
more since the adoption will be out of state.

After laying on the nursery floor sobbing to my best friend about it last night,
she helped me find my perspective.
She helped guide me to my answer while my head was spinning.

We cannot walk away.
We must do everything we can do in our power to make this work.
We will sacrifice, we will work hard, and we will ultimately beg for help
to bring our son home.

We started a fund that will help us immensely!!!!!!

Everything that is donated will be used for adoption agency expenses and legal fees.

Please share with friends, family, co-workers and anyone that could help. 
We cannot say Please or Thank you enough
in this time of need.

~Bruce & Heather

Monday, February 25, 2013

Moving Forward...

Sometimes healing comes from Strange Places.
For me it has come from...
My loving husband
My beautiful daughter
Extended Family
Best friends
My adoption case worker
Facebook friends
Complete strangers from my Blog
 and even...

She contacted me a few days ago and was extremely apologetic.
She knew she hurt us---deeply.
She knew nothing she could say or do that would "fix" things.
Her apology took courage and her sincerity has helped me begin to move on.

Thank you to all for your kindness and genuine concern for my well-being.
Thank you for your words of inspiration,
for your words of HOPE
and for those of peace.

We built a snowman together
and painted on a Burt Reynolds stache just for fun.
N has named him "Steve". =)

~ heather

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Grief isn't selfish, wrong, or untrue.
Grief is a natural response to missing you.
(Author Unknown)

My family and I are trying to heal right now.
We have been working with a birth mother since Dec 28, 2012.
She found us at our agency.
She picked us.
She met us.
She "officially" chose us...
and a relationship between us began.
Her name "E", and her friend "C" was always by her side--usually being her voice of reason.

We talked and/or texted nearly every day.
We went to dinner, we laughed, we shared stories, we were friends.
I took her shopping. I felt pity for her and her situation.
 I helped her, sometimes with no thank you in return.
We shared her sonogram appointments and photos.
We collaborated on a name.
I was reassured several, several times the plan was moving forward.
But---sometimes things change.


Sunday Feb 17, 2013
I was doing dishes. B got the call from our case worker. E went into labor yesterday morning and didn’t contact us at all. She told the case worker she  is keeping Phoenix. We have no other explanation other than our case worker is very very sorry. A piece of my heart ripped from my chest. I sank to the floor with B holding me, screaming and bawling hysterically. Unfortunately N was there and was scared and saw me at my worst. My heart is shattered. I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. 
Phoenix is gone.
I feel numb. I cannot believe this happened. I feel stupid. I feel used. I’m in shock. I am hurt. I am broken.
I texted her, saying that I just found out she had given birth and how I prayed the very best for Phoenix. 
There was no reply back. I waited…but nothing.
I need closure. This is not how this is going to end for me.

I had B drive me to the hospital despite he thinking that was a bad idea. I met with E face to face. She was coming out of the bathroom smiling and muttered something. I saw Phoenix from across the room. A nurse was trying to feed him. He was tiny probably about 5 lbs. with messy light brown hair. C looked at me from across the room with a look of guilt and sadness. E acted like her immature self, trying to play off like it was just a normal day. 

I stared at her. 
I finally asked, “Why didn’t you call me?” 

She replied, “Well…I didn’t want to like…bother you and b on the weekend and…stuff I dunno.”

 I shook my head at her, and I choked back my tears even though my face and eyes were obviously swollen from crying. 
I whispered, “You broke my heart.” 
I gave her back Phoenix’s sonogram pictures and the pictures she colored for N. I gave E a hug and told her I wish Phoenix the best. I couldn’t look at Phoenix again, so I left the room. I left the hospital even though I don't remember walking downstairs.

I never heard from E or C again.

This is the risk of adoption.
It isn't without pain, or sometimes broken promises.
I understand E's want for her baby. I totally get it.
I just wish that I would have been told it was falling apart before it was already over...

and I wish it wasn't over.
I love you Phoenix, we all do.
I will continue to pray only good things for you and your mother.
But you are not my son. Only in my heart.
God please provide us direction and healing...
courage and strength...
and support by family and friends to help us get through.
 Heal our hearts so we may move ahead
and find the one that is waiting for us.