What did you say Oscar?

Today I am grumpy.

I hate when I feel like this.

Maybe it is the lack of sunshine

Maybe it is the cold weather

I dunno.

The waiting and waiting is taking its toll on me.

I'm not a fan of waiting in the general sense of the word.

And I don't really care to think about the adoption all the time because it does get depressing-- but I do, because I just do.

From the time we began to grow our family till now has already been 5 years.

We have gotten:  sorrow, shock, confusion, expenses and a plethora of other emotions all at the same time--but no baby.

Today I am irritated, frustrated, and quite frankly I'm angry about it.

Spilling my emotions to the world in a blog sounds helpful I guess. 

*Readers beware, because I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster today*

I always want to know why. 

Why.

WHY!?!

And I know people in their best intentions want to tell you not to ask that.

But I do.

And it is O.K. and it is normal.

My brain knows I will never find my answer~yet my heart aches because I want to know.

I feel so tired.

So tired of worrying about where "she" is, how her health is, how are we going to pay for this....

Tired of rarely getting to see my husband because he is working his rear off at 2 jobs to save for this...

~~"Oh, he's not home...again?" or "But it's the weekend?"~~

Ahem...Not everyone's world revolves the same--yes this is a fact.

What I want to say is..."Butt out you turd!" 

But I don't...because if I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all.

Today I should probably go mute.

I'm tired of the general lack of knowledge and empathy from people in what we are struggling with.

*Empathy* NOT Sympathy.

Oh man that would really get me in a worse mood!

We are also under constant pressure of keeping up with demands of a child with a life-long disability.

It's not just the braces on her legs.

It has so much more in-depth than that.

 And it floods me with disappointment when she asks where her sister is.

Crushes me.

And I cannot leave this blog on a completely sour note.

It's the same theory as not going to bed angry I guess..

At school N has been learning about maps, (which she has had a fascination with since she was about 3).

She also has been on this kick to go on "adventure trails" and makes lists of what she would need to take with her, (this kid is a WHIZ at planning, lists, scheduling and organization) One of her quirky things I love!

We had an hour before sundown last night so B took her out on a nature trail.

And then we got to some yucky muddy parts and her little shoes starting sinking and making that farting suction sound--so we turned around and headed back.

And as I am posting these pictures, I can't help but smile and continue to be thankful despite my rotten mood. I contemplated erasing this entry entirely. But I am going to keep it and share it because it is true. I hope that I haven't brought down anyone's day in the process. 

This is me. Some days are rough, and some days I get angry. 

It's not anger really but rather:  frustration, lack of patience, stress, too much to-do's and NEVER enough time, "Heather I need shirts ironed for work please!" school tests, doctor appointments, grocery stores, muddy dogs, "Mom, I need your help!", never finding a gosh-darn mechanical pencil when I need one, rocks in the garbage disposal?, "the dog just chewed up what?!"and life in general some days. 

*And yes, my English grammar was just horrible and I'm NOT going to try fixing it! Hmmph!*  ;)

But one thing never fails to get me out of my crummy mood, and that is the joy of my family. 

And the search (and waiting) continues...