Pens and A Prayer Adoption: When Brownies Don't Work...

I'm writing today simply because I am annoyed.

Maybe its the lack of sun,

maybe its the overabundance of brownies I just ate for no good reason.

I dunno.

But I'm in a grouch mood, and the extra sugar isn't helping.

My patience is being tested to its maximum.

It's beginning to feel torturous.

I am so damn SICK of waiting on this adoption process.

Sick, Sick, Sick....SICK!

The lack of control of ANY variables is just eating me away.

Some have asked how I can do it.

Weeeeeell, not to sound completely rude and sarcastic but...

What the heck else am I supposed to do?

What other choice do I have?

To give up?

To walk away?

Pssssssshaw! Seriously, Are you kidding?

I've fought so hard for this, prepared so much for this, cried my eyes out waiting for this, I WANT THIS!

I'm not going to give up on this.

To explain the feeling is somewhat like this;

Remember when you were a child and you just could not wait to open your presents at Christmas. You would try to peek or shake the box when no one was looking but were ultimately forced to wait. The whole month of December you felt that little spark in your gut and chest of

*Eeeek! Only a few more days left!*

And your body would kind of tighten in excitement and anticipation.

That is what it kinda feels like the first 6 months to a year of waiting to be matched with a birthmom.

After that, stress and anxiety override the excitement feeling and you start questioning yourself.

What did my profile say again---maybe I should change that? Did I post the right pictures? What is the birthmother looking for? Do we make enough money? Do I have a nice enough home? Should I buy things for the nursery? Should I be more religious? What are other adoptive parents doing? What does my competition look like?

And on and on and on.....

So, in times like these I bury myself in my schoolwork. I clean house like a madwoman. I blast my music and go for run. I blog and bitch my worries into cyberspace. I pray. I pray some more. I drop to my knees and I pray.

I have to rid myself of that feeling of "I've lost control of my life."

Since the beginning of our adoption process: paperwork, seminars, switching agencies, more paperwork, seminars, webinars, homestudies etc.

It's already been 4 years.

Other adoptive parents, I know you are TOTALLY feeling my pain right now.

We are limited in resources which has been the bulk of our struggle.

I'm past that "Christmas feeling" and I'm getting discouraged.

But I am stubborn.

And I'm venting.

And I've got homework to do.