Tuesday, April 24, 2012

No Ado about Much

I haven't posted in awhile ~
I have had to mentally remove myself and surround myself with things/people that make me happy.
While I don't think bottling pent up emotional "yuck" (as I call it) is good,
I don't believe that soaking in my worries is good either.
I can't control this.
At this point in the process, there is nothing I can control.
So I might as well quit fighting so hard against it to FIND control.
*hands in the air* 
I surrender.

I haven't bought a single thing for the nursery during this time.
I have also kept the nursery door closed.
I didn't realize that constantly bringing even the smallest thought to the forefront of my mind changes my demeanor in a negative way. 

During this time, I spent a much needed day at the lake with my family,
I have caught up on my homework and other things around the house,
I have even tried new recipes (I normally loathe cooking) I have found on Pinterest (one of my favorite ways to waste time btw)
Here is one of my latest creations

Move over Martha....You too Betty  ;) And yes my baked asparagus rocked, even N ate 3 pieces, and that kiddo is hard to please!

B also got this fantastic picture that I really heart at the lake the other day

Isn't it cool? Hallmark don't you think so too?

And there's N's pup Daisy Doodle who likes to lick the water out of our shower *Gross I know* but she's super cute anyway so I've got to add her despite her odd doggie cravings for hard water and soap scum ;)

*Sigh* So----- there are 2 birthmothers right now we are pretty interested in. We should find out gender and health histories hopefully next week.

I'm trying not to think about it.
Still trying.
Lord, please give me strength.


Thursday, April 5, 2012

When Brownies Don't Work...

I'm writing today simply because I am annoyed.
Maybe its the lack of sun,
maybe its the overabundance of brownies I just ate for no good reason.
I dunno.
But I'm in a grouch mood, and the extra sugar isn't helping.

My patience is being tested to its maximum.
It's beginning to feel torturous.
I am so damn SICK of waiting on this adoption process.
Sick, Sick, Sick....SICK!
The lack of control of ANY variables is just eating me away.

Some have asked how I can do it.
Weeeeeell, not to sound completely rude and sarcastic but...
What the heck else am I supposed to do?
What other choice do I have?
To give up?
To walk away?
Pssssssshaw! Seriously, Are you kidding? 

I've fought so hard for this, prepared so much for this, cried my eyes out waiting for this, I WANT THIS!
I'm not going to give up on this.

To explain the feeling is somewhat like this;
Remember when you were a child and you just could not wait to open your presents at Christmas. You would try to peek or shake the box when no one was looking but were ultimately forced to wait. The whole month of December you felt that little spark in your gut and chest of 
*Eeeek! Only a few more days left!* 
And your body would kind of tighten in excitement and anticipation.

That is what it kinda feels like the first 6 months to a year of waiting to be matched with a birthmom.

After that, stress and anxiety override the excitement feeling and you start questioning yourself.

What did my profile say again---maybe I should change that? Did I post the right pictures? What is the birthmother looking for? Do we make enough money? Do I have a nice enough home? Should I buy things for the nursery? Should I be more religious? What are other adoptive parents doing? What does my competition look like?

And on and on and on.....

So, in times like these I bury myself in my schoolwork. I clean house like a madwoman. I blast my music and go for run. I blog and bitch my worries into cyberspace. I pray. I pray some more. I drop to my knees and I pray.

 I have to rid myself of that feeling of "I've lost control of my life."

Since the beginning of our adoption process: paperwork, seminars, switching agencies, more paperwork, seminars, webinars, homestudies etc. 
It's already been 4 years.
Other adoptive parents, I know you are TOTALLY feeling my pain right now.

We are limited in resources which has been the bulk of our struggle.
I'm past that "Christmas feeling" and I'm getting discouraged.
But I am stubborn.
 And I'm venting.
And I've got homework to do.
And underneath the mess of emotions of it all---
I know I am truly blessed.