Jingle Bell Poop

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the....yea yea Ok.

It's Christmas time now and the hub bub of the season is upon us.

I love the holidays but Christmas is THE  holiday on steroids.

You just can't break away from all the fa la la'ing and feeling of general expectations of pure joy.

It personally can make me feel like I'm drowning.

Anyone else feeling that way right now? I obviously need more Vitamin D...again.

Not to sound like the grinch or anything...

(source)

I bet you are regretting reading my depressing blogpost now huh ~ it gets better, you'll see =)

All joking aside, it is a difficult holiday for many people especially those who are in the wait to adopt.

I had put together ideas about how I was going to do our family photo Christmas cards with our new addition. I must just be a glutton for punishment.

*palm smack on forehead*

Why must I torture myself?

 

So...I'm rebelling (and saving like $50 in postage) and not doing cards this year.

I'm acting out...because, well...Hmm. Anyways~

However, because I am not a fan of routine...

and in an attempt to get out of my yucky holiday funk...

we bought our first real Christmas tree this year!

N helped us pick out the perfect one

and helped us decorate it all purdy and perfect

 

 

And Yes..I do heart it...genuinely. =)

This is what true Christmas memories are made of.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from our family to Yours!

~ heather

It's Fall ya'll

Fall is officially here!

Hoodies, pumpkin lattes, fall festivals...I just heart it.

Last week was when it was first noticeable,

especially seeing the leaves change color and touch the ground.

My heart is always a mix of emotions around this time of year.

I am reminded of how time is flying by,

and how I should be thankful more often for my blessings.

It seriously seems like yesterday

but it has already been 10 years.

Yep, my baby is hitting double digits...already.

This is my N 10 years ago

Barely 2 lbs, fighting to survive on a ventilator amongst dozens of other medical contraptions.

  This picture was taken by a NICU nurse and given to me after emergency surgery to close the opening in her spine.

I remember hugging this picture, because I wasn't able to hold and kiss her.

She was too fragile... too weak to risk moving.

This one makes me cry,

...because in this moment B and I as parents for the first time, were so completely in love with her.

As parents we know we have been so blessed already.

Hug your babies tight, as life passes too quickly.

N has mentioned wanting a baby sister for her birthday

and Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 =)

God Love this Kid.

I continue to Pray hard every day for that miracle because it is yours and ours the same...

the movie--I can handle that one =)

Happy 10th Birthday my N

Momma and Daddy love you!

 

~heather

Keep on Truckin'

Hello my internet friends,

School is almost here again and I am still in shock about how time flies.

I heart summer so much ~ spending time with my girl is nothing more than pure joy,

well...when the eye rolling and complaining are non-existent anyway,

 (she is almost 10...comes with the territory I think).

I have thought about blogging but words could never spill out of my fingers.

How many different ways can I say ~ Nope nothing yet.

For a short time in regards to our adoption progress I was sad, then I was just pissed off, then I was like WTH?!?, and now I'm just me again.

I honestly questioned as to if anyone really would care if I just stopped blogging altogether.

I do this for myself, but I can't help but wonder...who else cares about my life and what's going on?

Everyone has their own life and their own struggles to worry about

But alas, I did get a request for a blog update so here goes (enjoy Ang)

 

Since my last blog in May we had been presented to two different situations we were very interested in and another waiting adoptive family was chosen, both times. GRRRR!

Our home-study had to be renewed...again. GRRRR!

Whoever says homestudies are stressful is...just...whatever.

Expensive...yes. Stressful...not so much at this point.

I'll show you real stress people.

 

I also was talked into by B to renew our profile book.

At first I was kind-of put off by the request. GRRRR!

I put my heart and soul into my first book---what was wrong with it? (my disgruntled, annoyed, and already emotional overwhelmed view of the adoption progress thus far was seeping through)

And then I looked at it and my baby looked like....a baby. So yes an update was in order.

Plus it was made by a much more frightened and reserved, "us" if that makes any sense.

So a refreshed, much more appealing book was made. 

B agrees too, but yet...he has to. At this point I would knock him over the head with it if he gave me any stuff about it. =)

All joking aside I'm happy with the new book. I am much more confident in myself and in the process now than I was.

I have grown in that way ~ I cannot describe it but I have.

Good idea B ~ Great idea actually although I hate to admit it ;)

Umm wasn't that my idea? No? Eh, we've been married long enough, I can claim it.

So I have to shed positive on a somewhat negative situation this has turned out to be thus far.

I just hate blogging feeling like I'm letting everyone down...mostly myself.

So, when I need a pick me up ~ I shop (works every time right?)

 I bought

Its says "Mommy Loves Me"

and

Daddy's Girl

Simple yet cute and so meaningful to us ~ especially me to hold in my hands.

I still smile just thinking of putting my daughter in it one day.

We haven't lost our spirit ~ We haven't lost our faith that this is God's plan for us.

No matter how many times we feel we have been knocked down in this process.

Again, my love and heartfelt thanks to those following us in this journey.

Your prayers and thoughts keep us strong

and keep us from losing our minds in the stress of the waiting

and strength to continue to jump through hoops we have to, to make our dream happen.

Until then, life goes on ~ in an upbeat fashion

because I refuse to live it any other way

 

Next week for the first time, everyone in this house will be going back to school.

B now has a career that he LOVES that is much more family friendly.

It has inspired him to finish school too and I could not be MORE proud!

It will be crazy, but do-able. And totally worth it in the end.

Not that I am bragging, but my family is awesome.

Really. We work. And it has to be the grace of God that it does because we are so far from perfect.

I cannot wait to grow it and see what happens next.

My love to you guys ~ you know who you are

and those that I don't know personally that think and pray for us, I love you too.

~heather

Update

Just a short update...

The birthmother we were interested in couldn't choose a family.

She had been holding onto the family profiles for a few days and either has had second thoughts about keeping the baby herself or didn't connect with the set of profiles she received ~ (ours being one)

We were told that we would continue our wait for another birthmother unless they hear from her otherwise.

I'm officially done with the semester and received all A's for my work.

I will be starting a summer class here shortly so I'm enjoying my freedom at the moment.

Just wanted to update you all on the progress made or lack there-of with our adoption journey.

I wish I had better news. =(

We continue to ask for prayers.

Those Who Matter, Don't Mind

My blog of emotional distress

At least that is what it feels like lately

I guess if you are reading this you don't mind 

Because, well...

(Source) 

Oh I do heart Dr. Seuss =)

 And I do love that you are here and obviously don't mind

because I do appreciate the support. =)))

We received a potential situation this morning.

We regretfully had to reject it.

Without disclosing private information, it was very high risk for medical issues with the baby.

Saying No, especially to those situations, is just rough.

I had this plethora of circling emotions that spilled out.

It made me question for the first time during this journey whether I would be strong enough for this.

After a bit of garage saling (is this even a word) and finding nada

and finishing up finals in 2 of my courses this afternoon

I sat down with my pooch.

I received an email.

One of the birth mother situations we were interested in a couple weeks ago found out she is indeed having a girl.

And our profile is in the mix to be shown to her next week!

I am praying.

I am happy.

I am keeping things in perspective.

I AM strong enough with Him by my side.

(Source)

~heather

No Ado about Much

I haven't posted in awhile ~

I have had to mentally remove myself and surround myself with things/people that make me happy.

While I don't think bottling pent up emotional "yuck" (as I call it) is good,

I don't believe that soaking in my worries is good either.

I can't control this.

At this point in the process, there is nothing I can control.

So I might as well quit fighting so hard against it to FIND control.

*hands in the air* 

I surrender.

I haven't bought a single thing for the nursery during this time.

I have also kept the nursery door closed.

I didn't realize that constantly bringing even the smallest thought to the forefront of my mind changes my demeanor in a negative way. 

During this time, I spent a much needed day at the lake with my family,

I have caught up on my homework and other things around the house,

I have even tried new recipes (I normally loathe cooking) I have found on Pinterest (one of my favorite ways to waste time btw)

Here is one of my latest creations

Move over Martha....You too Betty  ;) And yes my baked asparagus rocked, even N ate 3 pieces, and that kiddo is hard to please!

B also got this fantastic picture that I really heart at the lake the other day

Isn't it cool? Hallmark don't you think so too?

And there's N's pup Daisy Doodle who likes to lick the water out of our shower *Gross I know* but she's super cute anyway so I've got to add her despite her odd doggie cravings for hard water and soap scum ;)

*Sigh* So----- there are 2 birthmothers right now we are pretty interested in. We should find out gender and health histories hopefully next week.

I'm trying not to think about it.

Still trying.

Lord, please give me strength.

~heather

When Brownies Don't Work...

I'm writing today simply because I am annoyed.

Maybe its the lack of sun,

maybe its the overabundance of brownies I just ate for no good reason.

I dunno.

But I'm in a grouch mood, and the extra sugar isn't helping.

My patience is being tested to its maximum.

It's beginning to feel torturous.

I am so damn SICK of waiting on this adoption process.

Sick, Sick, Sick....SICK!

The lack of control of ANY variables is just eating me away.

Some have asked how I can do it.

Weeeeeell, not to sound completely rude and sarcastic but...

What the heck else am I supposed to do?

What other choice do I have?

To give up?

To walk away?

Pssssssshaw! Seriously, Are you kidding? 

I've fought so hard for this, prepared so much for this, cried my eyes out waiting for this, I WANT THIS!

I'm not going to give up on this.

To explain the feeling is somewhat like this;

Remember when you were a child and you just could not wait to open your presents at Christmas. You would try to peek or shake the box when no one was looking but were ultimately forced to wait. The whole month of December you felt that little spark in your gut and chest of 

*Eeeek! Only a few more days left!* 

And your body would kind of tighten in excitement and anticipation.

That is what it kinda feels like the first 6 months to a year of waiting to be matched with a birthmom.

After that, stress and anxiety override the excitement feeling and you start questioning yourself.

What did my profile say again---maybe I should change that? Did I post the right pictures? What is the birthmother looking for? Do we make enough money? Do I have a nice enough home? Should I buy things for the nursery? Should I be more religious? What are other adoptive parents doing? What does my competition look like?

And on and on and on.....

So, in times like these I bury myself in my schoolwork. I clean house like a madwoman. I blast my music and go for run. I blog and bitch my worries into cyberspace. I pray. I pray some more. I drop to my knees and I pray.

 I have to rid myself of that feeling of "I've lost control of my life."

Since the beginning of our adoption process: paperwork, seminars, switching agencies, more paperwork, seminars, webinars, homestudies etc. 

It's already been 4 years.

Other adoptive parents, I know you are TOTALLY feeling my pain right now.

We are limited in resources which has been the bulk of our struggle.

I'm past that "Christmas feeling" and I'm getting discouraged.

But I am stubborn.

 And I'm venting.

And I've got homework to do.

 (Source)

And underneath the mess of emotions of it all---

I know I am truly blessed.

~heather

A New Chapter...

It's Finally Here!

***S-P-R-I-N-G       B-R-E-A-K!!***

(these are the tulips B and N planted--aren't they beauti-mous!)

It really could not have come at a better time.

While most college students are probably partying poolside drunk in some exotic place

This college woman is having her own type of party...

A "catching up on all I've been slacking on" kind of party.

A "clean house, laundry foldin', hanging out with my girl, sleeping in, watching TV (what is that?)" kind of party.

Jealous?

OK most likely not... unless your a mother and a student then you feel me.

Word.

I've also been super stressed playing the waiting game with B.

He applied for a job he REALLY wanted--

 was to the point he was HATING was he was currently doing (serious burnout)--

 and meanwhile I was PRAYING God would help direct us to what we were supposed to do.

Well...

He GOT it!

**Happy Dance**

He starts in a week.

We feel so blessed...so thankful. Over 180 people applied for this one position.

**Happy Dance with Jazz Hands** ;)

We are excited for this new chapter in our lives and what lies ahead in our journey.

 We continue to be patient (although it is with white knuckles somedays) for more news about our adoption progress.

We know that we have somewhat limited ourselves in our choice of wanting only a girl and only a newborn.

Although super frustrating at times, this still "feels" right for us.

I have to continue to remind myself of this...

(Source)

I heart this.

Happy Spring everyone =)

~heather

When Cupid Strikes

So I've never been a huge fan of Valentine's Day.

I may quite possibly be the only woman in this world who actually cringes and rolls her eyes at first mention of the holiday.

Ok... so I'm not the only one.

I do dread those jewelry commercials however. 

~ major eye rolling paired with upper lip twist ~

Seriously~ugh, gag me with a spork.

But my hubs is good to me and *on his own will mind you* decides to participates in the celebration of the day.

What a good hubs.

After 10 years however, he knows NOT to get me something on the actual day.

Too traditional - Bleck.

I'm a rebel.

So he comes home tonight with these

Purple and Pink~Which I do heart. Bunches!

No roses, ugh, no way!

*and he also got N a pink flower,----Ahhh*

Flowers is about all of the holiday tradition I can accept for this day.

No chocolates, no jewelry, no big stuffed stupid bear

I am a rebel remember?

So he gave me something else I really do heart. 

And this is for real....

Simplistic, yet can actually make my day go a little smoother.

Yeppers, a cordless mouse.

AND it's purple. *Score!*

Now some of you may think, "Gosh how boring and lame-o of a Valentine gift!"

*Tisk--Tisk* Not true.

Let me tell you why.

I have been complaining about the stupid cord on my mouse forever.

It is too short and my computer only has a site for it to be plugged in on the left side.

Since I am not a lefty, it is constantly being drug through my homework and in my way.

GRRRRR! Annoying.

And because I would rather complain than fix this persistent problem

it continued to be....well...a nuisance.

Thus, a present was chosen not out of randomness, nor hastiness, nor tradition

But instead, out of thought.

And possibly to shut me up but hey, this is Valentine's.

It HAD to be chosen strictly out of L.O.V.E. ;)

Any plans for the big Heart Day?

Have a wonderful Non-Traditional Valentine's Day!

~heather

What did you say Oscar?

Today I am grumpy.

I hate when I feel like this.

Maybe it is the lack of sunshine

Maybe it is the cold weather

I dunno.

The waiting and waiting is taking its toll on me.

I'm not a fan of waiting in the general sense of the word.

And I don't really care to think about the adoption all the time because it does get depressing-- but I do, because I just do.

From the time we began to grow our family till now has already been 5 years.

We have gotten:  sorrow, shock, confusion, expenses and a plethora of other emotions all at the same time--but no baby.

Today I am irritated, frustrated, and quite frankly I'm angry about it.

Spilling my emotions to the world in a blog sounds helpful I guess. 

*Readers beware, because I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster today*

I always want to know why. 

Why.

WHY!?!

And I know people in their best intentions want to tell you not to ask that.

But I do.

And it is O.K. and it is normal.

My brain knows I will never find my answer~yet my heart aches because I want to know.

I feel so tired.

So tired of worrying about where "she" is, how her health is, how are we going to pay for this....

Tired of rarely getting to see my husband because he is working his rear off at 2 jobs to save for this...

~~"Oh, he's not home...again?" or "But it's the weekend?"~~

Ahem...Not everyone's world revolves the same--yes this is a fact.

What I want to say is..."Butt out you turd!" 

But I don't...because if I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all.

Today I should probably go mute.

I'm tired of the general lack of knowledge and empathy from people in what we are struggling with.

*Empathy* NOT Sympathy.

Oh man that would really get me in a worse mood!

We are also under constant pressure of keeping up with demands of a child with a life-long disability.

It's not just the braces on her legs.

It has so much more in-depth than that.

 And it floods me with disappointment when she asks where her sister is.

Crushes me.

And I cannot leave this blog on a completely sour note.

It's the same theory as not going to bed angry I guess..

At school N has been learning about maps, (which she has had a fascination with since she was about 3).

She also has been on this kick to go on "adventure trails" and makes lists of what she would need to take with her, (this kid is a WHIZ at planning, lists, scheduling and organization) One of her quirky things I love!

We had an hour before sundown last night so B took her out on a nature trail.

And then we got to some yucky muddy parts and her little shoes starting sinking and making that farting suction sound--so we turned around and headed back.

And as I am posting these pictures, I can't help but smile and continue to be thankful despite my rotten mood. I contemplated erasing this entry entirely. But I am going to keep it and share it because it is true. I hope that I haven't brought down anyone's day in the process. 

This is me. Some days are rough, and some days I get angry. 

It's not anger really but rather:  frustration, lack of patience, stress, too much to-do's and NEVER enough time, "Heather I need shirts ironed for work please!" school tests, doctor appointments, grocery stores, muddy dogs, "Mom, I need your help!", never finding a gosh-darn mechanical pencil when I need one, rocks in the garbage disposal?, "the dog just chewed up what?!"and life in general some days. 

*And yes, my English grammar was just horrible and I'm NOT going to try fixing it! Hmmph!*  ;)

But one thing never fails to get me out of my crummy mood, and that is the joy of my family. 

And the search (and waiting) continues...

Trusting Punxsutawney

First...kids have no concept of a lazy Saturday morning,

Second...when you feel kinda down buy something shiny,

and Third going from nearly 70 degrees for a few days to 30's and snow flurries is nothing but a mean tease.

N woke up today at 6:36 A.M. 

A complete injustice to Saturday mornings and the laziness they should provide. Yes? Yes!

(Source) 

Which totally reminds me of something else,

B came home the other day drinking this

Word.

Anyone who is anyone has watched The Simpsons at one time or another and knows the connection to the show--

Only since B was coming home from work I'm glad it was in Energy drink form and not made out of malted barley, yeast, and hops like Homer! D'oh!

I'm trying very hard to get B OFF his addiction of energy drinks....

it has been difficult to say the least.

I blame the 2 years he had to work the overnight shift when he first became manager.

Overnight shifts are HELL.

My heart will always goes out to those working it and their families.

Well.............It's been a few days and I haven't heard anything new about the adoption.

*Sad face*

So, when you feel kinda down--buy something shiny. Yes? Yes!

A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E.

And I paired a coupon with a good sale so I could justify getting this too...

A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E. #2

I must have been in a cute booties kind of mood. I totally love this color (and I'm not normally a yellow-hued type of gal) and it's shiny. Why does this theory work? 

What am I like a raccoon or something? geesh.

I will admit my feelings of disappointment lingering back when I actually had to dust her bookshelf to put this up. ~grumbly whine~

Patience. Patience? Oh yeah, Patience.

And while I thought Phil the groundhog was just another over-sized squirrel, I think that darn rodent may be right.

Here I am digging out my sandals, and helping N find her shorts

all the while thinking of...

(Source)

 And tonight it started to snow. Oh well, I'm not trusting a rodent named Punxsutawney. I like my sandals too much. =)